Laying in bed, darkness pressing up against my breath, silver moonlight pours in from the cracks of timber blinds.
In the stillness of this Full Moon night my heart shatters. Wondering “where she is? Is this real? Has this really happened?”
Tidal waves of tears cascade down my cheeks. Crumbling at the core I feel myself dissolve and disintegrate in the black of the night.
I have always believed that this physical world is just a mere fragment of the whole. That we are Souls entering into physical bodies to have an earthly experience and when we leave, our Soul continues on.
Where? I don’t know. How? I don’t know. It has never mattered, as I've known this to be true.
I have speculated, mediated and dreamt of this my entire life.
Even since I was a young girl I didn’t feel “apart” of this earthy realm. My lucid dreams would take me elsewhere, into parallel worlds inconceivable to these human minds. I never felt like I had “landed here” with two feet on the earth. I never felt "ready" to be here.
I have my ideas about the Souls journey. Ideas I love to discuss with family & friends. Of human galactic heritage, of our Souls presence here. The reason Why.
However, that is not what I am going to share with you today.
What happened on this dark night was something rare. In fact, beyond rare. Something I have never done before.
I questioned. I questioned my beliefs around life after death.
I have always considered myself someone who questions and challenges ALL my own beliefs, opinions and views, yet I realised I have never challenged one of my most inner core beliefs.
Life after death.
In the darkness of this night, I sunk deeper into the valleys of aching pain,
“This is it” …
“This is it” …
“This is it” …
The pounding of my heart hissing
“When we go. We go”
“Our Souls are a complex orchestration of our mind, intellect, emotions, nature, and nurture that creates our personalities and when we die. We die”
This thought made itself known, loud and clear. The echo’s of this “Truth” rattled my body, tearing me apart. Leaving me untethered, unclear, confused and scrabbling for what is the “Truth”.
The murmurs of thoughts became whispers, but not pleasant whispers, hauntingly dark undertones.
“Life is now.. we have just this one life... and when we die, we die.. our bodies go to the Earth as we are reabsorbed”
“Our experiences of anything supernatural is the electromagnetic field of our super-conscious manifested from form to matter, nothing more.. Just like the Northern Lights, when bioelectrical currents converge with particles, creating something that looks “supernatural”.”
With the continuation of these thoughts the darkness penetrated my every cell.
Gasping for small pockets of air was a struggle and one I wanted to end.
Sitting up in bed I cast my legs aside dangling from the bed in lifeless form. Slowly standing and opening the door to the bathroom a strangely beautiful yet eerie image was before me. The large timber bathroom with high ceilings had been engulfed in darkness, the blackness swamped the entirety of the space.
Yet the solo timber chair was saturated in white moonlight.
The Full Moon was positioned perfectly, the white light making its presence known through the ceiling skylight. The brightest white light bathed the chair.
Without thought, I was magnetised, as I sat down my weary burnt-out body.
My face fell into the collapse of my hands, tears dripping, heart throbbing breath barely in existence.
The deepest desire within me was one that frightens many. Wanting to shed the pains, grief, loss, longings of this life . To escape. To end.
My life without my sister is a thought my mind can not comprehend.
A thought.. a truth… I can not bare.
A fact my Soul will not accept.
Pulling my hands away from my face, to cast my eyes onto my palms, the contrast of the white light made itself so evident with the blackness of the surrounds.
This physical body of mine. A vessel of pain. A physical form, impoverished, aged beyond its years.
Breathing the light into my lungs. Casting shadows behind me.
Unexpectedly, a stillness washes over.
The beating of my heart finds the rhythm in the sound of silence.
The unwavering stillness that stands steadfast inside of me.
I whisper into the night, “give me a sign”.. ..what is the truth?
I go back to bed, still with a tormented mind but with stillness in heart.
Yet once there again I am unsettled and pain penetrates sinking its claws into the depths of my core.
I walk over to my shelf looking for the stack of photos of my sister. Yet I can not find it. Then, as if on “auto-pilot” my hands reach down to pick up an unknown book I have never opened.
Walking back to bed, I close my eyes and open the book in the middle. With no intention.
PAUSE….
Rewinding back 3 hours, I was on my phone. I opened up an app to create a quote. I have only ever posted 1) my own words into a quote 2) a quote that holds importance to me. Yet this app had automatically generated a quote..
Make the Choice
Take the Chance
Create the Change
Reading this seemed incredible on pointe and without much thought I posted it.
FAST FORWARD…
Sitting in bed, I opened the book. The words on the page jumped out at me like a thundering crack of lightening. The title:
“Make the Choice”
As my eyes poured over these words, I began reading and within the first paragraph, the exact words were printed that I had shared only hours ago…
Make the Choice
Take the Chance
Create the Change
My lips gently curled, a giggle came forth. I bow my head and whisper “thank you”.
I continue reading and the chapter reveals a story of a wolf and a crow. The wolf sees the world around him as the “truth” yet the crow takes him on a journey to reveal the spiritual dimensions. The colours of light not seen in this physical realm, the Souls journey, the TRUTH.
I read this as an invitation. To remember what I have always known deep inside. To regain strength in faith and stoke the fire that was momentarily dampened
Though my Heart continues to ache in unfathomable ways. There is a knowingness deep inside. That one day we will dance again. Though each day gets harder, each day a day further away from you, I see you and feel you. And I remember.
When we are conceived a life-force comes through. The Soul that yearns for evolution and growth chooses to be here. In physical form. When the physical body dies, the CHOICE has been instigated once again. The Choice of the Soul of where to journey next. For some, it may be back into this Earthly realm where they can continue their "work", continuing to evolve, or the Soul may choose another journey. Another path of evolution. The chance or opportunity allows each Soul to have free-will. You choose. Now change is happening.
The meaning of change is "to substitute one for another; to make (something) other than what it was" or "to become different", from Old French changier "to change, alter; exchange, switch," .. I see this as a form of alchemy. Death is alchemy. To me, this is a transmutation of matter into a Universal source energy, returning "home" to the innate essence of who we are, free from the constraints and restrictions of the body.
And the circle continues. The Divine Dance continues. Choice - Chance - Change
Teachings of Choice – Raven Medicine
"When choice emerges in our physical existence, we have an opportunity. Choice is a form of the perpetual circle, which means it is constant Change. You can’t have Choice without Change and you can't have Change without Choice. They belong to the sacred movement of four, which is Reason.
In that sacred circle, opportunity comes forth. Reason brings about Choice: Choice brings about Change, and Change gives you chance…… It is a dance.
Choice is a medicine, and if you apply it to your life, you give yourself a doorway of movement any time you need it”
If you don’t like something in life, make a Choice. Choose, which is a Ceremony, and Change happens, and that’s a chance – you have an opportunity at that point.
Life is constant Change, Choice, chance and reason. Choice never stops: it is perpetual: it is constant.”
BONNY JANE YARRINGTON
In the dark of the night
I was held in womb of Moonlight
Wanting to take flight
The mind reckoned with the depths of reality
No longer seeing the beauty
Only the life of duty
Confusions of these illusions
Delusions and diffusions
Casting shadows of doubt
Shattered soul ready to breakout
Stillness in the motions
Tidal waves in emotions
Begin to surrender to these notions
Hoping to find the stillness in the ocean
Full Moonlight
Guide me right
Take away this fight
It is time to take flight
Yet this choice to continue
Within you
Is what I’ll choose to go through
I thank you
For the gift of remembrance
Moving into transcendence
In honour of your Soul journey
I choose mine
Now I align
I HONOUR YOUR SOULS JOURNEY
YOUR EVOLUTION
BON BON - BONNITA - BONNY JANE - SISTER
LOVE ELI BELLY BUTTON